2018 has not been my year. I'm soooo ready to ring in 2019, like yesterday. I mean, my dad passed away from cancer, my hubby was diagnosed with Graves Disease and couldn't fly for months (ummmm hello, our source of income), our daughter was injured, our son just fractured his hip, I sent my baby off to kindergarten, and I turned 40. The big 4-0 and it was like overnight I had gray hair and crows feet. Ugh.
It sucks. I went from being this frazzled, always a hot mess and running around, never showered, stay at home mom with little kids to this hot mess, never showered woman that has no idea what she wants to be in life. I don't have kids hanging off me all day. I'm not filling up Ziploc bags with cheerios and goldfish for snack bags, or waking up to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and by golly I miss it. Where did the time go?
Now, I have these three humans that are capable... but not capable enough and I think they think my occupation in life is to be a nag. "Did you put your face medicine on? Did you hang up your bookbag? Did you put on deoderent Do you have homework? Did you scrub your butt? Like I mean for real, did you get up in that crack and scrub?" Yep, I'm a nag. And I worry. Have I done enough to give these hoodlums a good heart and strong values. Are they kind? Are they little shits? Is the Good Lord telling up to slow down? Oh, I worry.
So today, for one of the first times in my life, I felt myself going in a dark hole. Sure, I have grumpy, blue, mean mugging PMS'ing days... but I've been fortunate to never battle serious depression. When I shut myself in the basement to binge watch Wicked Tuna, not respond to the sweetest texts from friends, cry about my weight and life, I realized I need to get it together. Winter is coming and it would be real easy for me to scarf down two burgers and a plate of fries and pass that 200lb mark and go into a real tailspin and that's not gonna happen folks. I need to get my groove back.
Don't you worry, Brendan's not going to come home to find out I bought a car, or have had a midlife crisis... although he may find a new front door... I kid, I kid. He may have to deal with me blogging again and pulling myself out of this rut. 2019 is too far away for a new start, it needs to happen now. And if you happen to want to follow along, I'll be oversharing- I mean blogging- again. This middle aged mama is about to take flight.
