Monday, May 26, 2014

Not Me Monday... Being beautifully honest and living to tell about it

Welcome to Not Me! Monday . . . a time where we confess our faults MckMama style by denying them outright. If you have no idea what I am talking about visit MckMama’s blog for a laugh that will keep you smiling all week.

Okay... or don't visit MckMama's blog because she doesn't write it anymore.  But she does sell a diet drug which my neighbor met me outside one night while the kids were in bed to give me a few pills.  We made an all out drug deal- I then gave her a bag of Body by Vi shake mix and we were going to crush our diet and lose twenty pounds... That was three weeks ago... and we're starting tomorrow.:) P.S... If you order the diet pill- MckMama- the real MckMama calls you... but don't worry, I still haven't ordered because I'm on too many automatic renewal things and if I add one more, the hubz might kill me!

I didn't spend hours reading these random blogs of people I don't even know last week- Ya know all these sweet southern, Christian women like Kelly Stamps hoping that one day I become like her.  And I can assure you I didn't have conversations with one of my besties where we talk about Kelly like she's our next door neighbor and our children don't think they are Harper and Hollis's b-f-f's... Nope- not me.

I really didn't start composing a letter because of these things on every toilet in America because every one of my kids has been obsessed with them including little termite #3... 
Dear Toilet Bowel Company Makers of the World,
Can you please make these little pieces somehow lock in place?  It's bad enough that I have to pee with a baby at my ankles much less worry about a choking hazard while I'm taking a deuce. 
A mom that simply wants to poop in peace
Nope, not me.
And for those thinking its disgusting that she's right by my side sometimes when I do go- I've outweighed the pros and cons and a few shit particles in the air seem less harmful than what she could get into unsupervised without me.  And I can't time my bathroom visits around naptime. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go... Ain't nobody got time for that.
Riding to my soccer game, I didn't blare my music, roll down my windows, and feel young and beautiful riding down the road.  Something about a little rap with bass bumping, or a country song loud and jamming suddenly makes me feel twenty something. And I might have even gunned it at a stoplight smiling because the guy beside me was checking me out.  Nope, not me.
And after my soccer game, when I walked to my car and realized it's a minivan with carseats and car magnets covering the back of it, I realized he definitely wasn't checking me out and was probably looking at me like I had a problem.  That might have become even crystal clearer when I plopped my sweatshirt on my front cloth seat so my wet pants from a weak bladder didn't leave a stench behind.  I definitely didn't drive home with the same confidence.  Not me.:)
I didn't videotape my children cracking up as they made up a new version of Frozen's Let it Go... Holding their privates singing, "I have to go, I have to go... I can't hold it in anymore..."  Nope, not me.
And I for sure didn't go to a baseball tournament for my son, walk with two other families to a Mexican Restaurant, and then have to take a taxi home. Nope, not me.  We didn't then let our kids play while we sat in the hallway drinking until midnight having a good ole time.  Not me...
I didn't text my hubby on his last day of a business trip and say, "Wanna get lucky tonight?"... To which he may or may not have replied, "The Northrop Grumman IT department must love you."... I then didn't stay downstairs and watch my shows and ignore his texts asking if I was coming up... Not me... Never too old to be a dicktease.... or maybe I should just say, sometimes I'm too old and I "have a headache" and don't need to get it on.  Did I just say that? Not me.
I wasn't walking across a ball field this week and stopped in my tracks because I saw a ton of cellulite on my thigh.  When I took off my sunglasses, it looked a hundred times worse... So I put my sunglasses back on, looked around and noticed that almost everyone there was wearing sunglasses and smiled.  Sometimes ya just have to be happy with the little things in life.  Let's pray for a sunny week and lots of shades wearing. 
And I won't embarrass myself ever again on this blog.., Nope, not me..., It's only Monday.:)

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